Thursday, September 2, 2010

Messed up. Again.


I am currently reading through I Kings. I mean, not currently, because currently I'm typing this blog.

Anyway... I keep getting cracked up at the author. Whoever he was. I've heard Isaiah, Jeremiah, even Elijah. But around chapter 14, this phrase starts showing up: "Now the rest of the acts of ____ and all that he did, are they not written in the Book of the Chronicles of the Kings of Judah?" Again and again. I can just picture the man of God, sitting there, scratching away and going, "Wait! I've already told this! I am not writing it AGAIN!" Of course, anyone would get tired of writing about the kings of Israel and Judah. Almost every single one of them, "walked in the sins of his father which he had committed before him; and his heart was not wholly devoted to the Lord his God, like the heart of his father David." This is the pattern of humans. Thank goodness for God's promise to never destroy the earth again until His return.... because honestly, we are so incredibly forgetful of His love for and promises to and protection of us, we deserve to be erased about every decade or so.
I am one of them. I am a sinner just like everyone else. I am angry at Him when I am disappointed or hurt and I forget Him when things go my way. I commit the same sins again and again and again... and again and again He reminds me of who He is and that His plan is entirely different but so, so much better if I would just hold His hand. If I would just listen for that still, quiet voice that says, "Why are you here, Amy?" Because I want to be in charge, Jesus. Just hang on. I've got this.
And hours, days, weeks later I find that I am bleeding and so utterly lost in a thicket of thorns and... guess what? He is still there. He reaches down and He bathes my face and says, "Come. Follow Me." And when I do.... I still bleed. But I am no longer alone or lost. For now anyway. In a few days, I'll probably wander off again.
It is so frustrating. Frustrating and embarrassing. I have realized that I often just dwell on what an idiot I am, how I have no right to ask for forgiveness, how I just know that Christ doesn't want me anymore. My almost husband has been pushing me to not do this. And part of me rebelled because I thought I was using the "Get Out of Jail Free Card" with God. Just ask for forgiveness and move on. Don't think about your sin. He loves you forever. Jim has told me that no, not that. To be more and more aware of the wickedness of our sin is to grow closer to Christ. But, we can't humanize Him. He isn't human. Just because I couldn't forgive someone for the same thing again and again doesn't me He can't. His forgiveness knows no bounds. He is not confined by His emotions of getting even. He does not keep an account.

"He loves me now as much as He did when first He inscribed my name in His eternal book of election. He has not repented of His choice. He has not blotted out one of His chosen; there are no erasures in that book; all whose names are written in it are safe forever." - Charles Spurgeon

P.S. Another funny moment. When Elijah is standing on the mountain in I Kings 19 and he witnesses the strong wind destroying the mountain, then the earthquake, then the fire... and God was not in any of them. Then... a gentle wind? Elijah wraps his face in a mantle because he knows he is about to talk to God. And the voice says, "What are you doing here, Elijah?" Elijah responds with, "I have been very zealous for the Lord, the God of hosts; for the sons of Israel have forsaken Your covenant, torn down Your altars and killed Your prophets with the sword. And I alone am left; and they seek my life, to take it away."
I'm sorry, but the picture of him standing there, with a cloak wrapped around his head saying these things is humorous to me. "Augh auf bin vurry zeluhs fah t' Lawd... an augh canna breeve."


1 comments:

Laura and John said...

Wow. That was really good (you're a great writer!). Thanks for the reminder of His love!