Friday, April 23, 2010

This is the second one in the past week

And so begin the pre-wedding nightmares:

The doors open... I'm walking into the church. Don't cry, don't cry. And don't look at Dad. As much as he cried at Alisa's, you know looking at him will make you cry. Okay... just sneak a peek. Why hasn't the music started? Why are we walking into silence? And Dad isn't crying at all! In fact, he looks bored! Where is the music?!!

Why are you waiting for me at the end of the aisle? You aren't Jim! I told you, no, I wouldn't go out with you! What is going on? Time out! TIME OUT!!

Home for a reception.... and decorating hasn't even started. Oh, it's been put off until tomorrow. Okay. For some reason, I'm perfectly okay with this. Get up the next morning to a foot of snow. Which, in typical Alabama form, quickly melts. The ground is a big muddy, slushy mess. But the show must go on! Why is the grocery store parking lot fair pulling into the driveway? Hi, Amy! We heard you wanted an outdoor reception so we brought our hastily put-up ferris wheel, wheel-and-spin, and funnel cakes. And vomit bags. This is going to be so much fun!


..... and WAKE UP.

Things to do:
1) Sigh with relief
2) Consider eloping

Saturday, April 17, 2010

quote unquote

Alisa, after meeting Jillian Michaels on a DVD:
"How am I supposed to do a 30 day shred when I need a 30 day recovery?!"

Asa, when we were turning into a gas station:
"Their gas is $2.69... to the ninth power. Whoa. Do these people realize how much they're paying?!"

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

hey. This is fun.

I went wedding dress shopping yesterday. As I stepped up onto that box and looked into the triage of mirrors, I thought, "Is this really me?" Why yes. Yes, it is. Playing the most looked-forward to game of dress-up ever. I am going to enjoy it.

There are rules to this game:

1) Don't be obnoxious towards the ones who came with you. They are holding the dresses for you to step into, zipping, lacing, tying, squeezing.... they don't have a place to sit down, they walk with you to the mirror, they go back with you to the dressing room. Don't wear them out. Watch the clock.

2) Be thankful to your the store assistant. She is running her legs off, lugging those fifty pound bags dresses back and forth, all the time remaing pleasant and trying to please you.

3) Don't always believe said store assistant. She will ooh and aah and at the slightest raise of one of your own eyebrows, the tiniest comment about the poofiness of the skirt and she will back down with a, "You know, I agree! This skirt is just too big for YOU. The other one was much more elegant."

4) "This one compliments your figure," is different from, "This one really shows your figure."
I learned this when another future bride received the second comment. Yes. Her figure was definitely showing.

5) Refrain from making comments to other shoppers unless they are sweet. Don't say anthing like, "It's a great dress.... if you don't want anyone to look at your face," or, "You know, if I had what looks like an airbrush tattoo of 'Believe' across my arm in yellow and green and red, I wouldn't choose a strapless."

6) Try not to let your mouth fall open when you see the price tag. Your jaw socket may become unhinged and this will hurt.

7) Don't hog the platform. Yes, this is a day you have looked forward to for years. But, she's been looking forward to it to.

8) Don't bring males. It's just awkward.

9) Don't trust your sense of balance as you are standing on one foot while trying to weave the other into a mass of tulle/silk/lace/taffeta. Pride comes before a fall and you might find yourself entangled and falling towards the wall. Thank goodness the dressing room is tiny and it wasn't faraway.

10) Theme songs from movies such as "Gone with the Wind," "Pride and Prejudice," "Sound of Music," and "Enchanted," add comic relief if you sing them when emerging in a dress that fits one of said movies.