Monday, June 29, 2009

Roger that

While struggling to find something in the fire-hazard closet under the steps which actually ended up being in my own closet (which was where is was supposed to be):

Ryan, coming into the basement - Caleb? Are you on a mission?
... ...
Ryan - Caleb? Are you?
Ryan - Were you on a mission?
Caleb - Yeah. I was scaring the cat.
Ryan - No! A mission on the playstation!!

Friday, June 26, 2009

ahahahaha! I mean... oh, how cute.

Two baby names I have learned while at the hospital:

"Sheahmiracle" - Yes. She is.

"Abcde" - Pronounced abb-si-dee.

And I am not kidding.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Camp learnage

Late, I know.

1) Being immune is not a sufficient zombie plan
2) Girls should be allowed to plan the food list. Guys tend to forget things like salt, butter, and flour.
3) However they do bring blow torches and Glocks.
4) Oreos are good in oatmeal. I'm dead serious.
5) It is uncool to bring your electric guitar and ask everybody who walks by to jam with you
6) I am a snob when it comes to people at public access lakes.
7) Julie didn't know what marijuana smells like. Now she does.
8) Do NOT bring your small, ratty, yippy dogs into the bathroom with you. Or worse, into the stall with you.
9) Charbroiled foods cause prostate cancer. Which means I CAN eat them. Sorry, boys.
10) Babies hiking their sagging, bloated diapers up after swimming makes me laugh
11) "Go big or go home?" You moron. The water is five feet deep. You are standing a good 12 feet above it. If you're going to go big and go home DEAD, just let us leave first.
12) A stopped up drain in a camping shower = bath in about five minutes
13) The "hiking trails" are very short. Like, the map says it's a nice "two-minute" walk to the look-out point. I don't know.... I just don't think I have enough energy for that.
14) Nate doesn't keep duct tape in his truck.
15) Stupid rotted-out firetower steps
16) Family reunions: You walk beside an empty parking lot to the bathroom. You come out of the bathroom to a full parking lot, barbeque being cooked, and footballs and frisbees going everywhere
17) Jim, the common temperature pattern is this: Increase during the day, decrease at night.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Your trees are starting to wilt

Man. And you thought I was a fan of The Chronicles of Narnia. I wonder what Aslan will be doing when she gets old? Limping? And Susan and Lucy will be trying their darndest to hold on to his sagging back. Ugh. Gross.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

exit... exit.... EXIT!!

To my precious little sister,

I just peeked at your blog. I've been up since 3:30 this morning. Yes. I'm going on 21+ hours here. Anyway, I forgot you had the song Jumprope as your background music... let's just say that Erin has speakers attached to her apple and the volume was all the way up.

I'm still trying to swallow my heart back down to where it's supposed to be. 

Sunday, June 7, 2009

maybe the microwave?

Last night, there were 6 beautifully created home-made pizzas waiting for the oven to heat up. But it did not. The oven decided to not heat up. And suddenly, everyone was really really hungry. My mom was sitting on the floor watching the non-working appliance. "It's not gonna do it," she said. "It's not going to get hot enough." Five minutes later she said it again. "Okay," I said. "We can handle this. Let's load them up, and take them to our neighbors oven and offer to share them."
"No, Amy! I'm not going to load all of these things up."
"Mom... they are ready to be cooked. They have to be cooked."
"Well, I'm not going to carry them somewhere."
"Okay...well... we could go outside and build a really hot fire and cook them over that." (I said I was hungry, okay?)
Mom just gave the "Are you really my offspring?" look.
"Well... fine!"

Dad called and was told the devastating news.
Dad- "Well, just take them over to somebody's house."
Ryan - "Amy suggested that already."
Dad - "Okay then... how about a fire outside?"
Ryan - "Uh.... already be said. That would be a no."
Dad - "Well fine."

Mom got two "well fines" and no more suggestions and figured out how to use the little bit of temperature the oven was producing, along with the warming drawer to cook the pizzas. Saved. Dibs to her.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Thank you seems so inadequate

Sixty-five years ago today, my great-uncle flung himself off a boat into the water to escape the shrapel mowing down the soldiers packed inside. He jumped too early and nearly drowned. He slogged to shore, found another gun, and gradually made his way further in and behind cover. He was then yanked to his feet by a commanding officer and ordered behind a machine gun, where the average lifespan was anywhere from 30 seconds to 3 minutes. He manned it for 5 hours. And I don't know anymore of the story, you see, because he started crying. He looked at Ryan and said, "You're bringing up a lot of bad memories, son."

I can not grasp anything that horrible. Something so vivid, that 65 years later, it could still make me cry.

Friday, June 5, 2009

According to my research...

Definition of a brazen hussy: A woman who waves at males at Wal-Mart, follows them down the road, into a gas station, and asks them for their phone number

I am so disgusted with this fallopian-tubed individual.