Friday, December 25, 2009

Who's in the doghouse?

Last night:

Ryan: Let's go squirrel hunting in the morning!"
Jeff: Yeah!!
Alisa: Hey! You've got to have Christmas with ME in the morning!
...
Jeff: Oh yeah. Dang. I forgot.

Friday, December 18, 2009

notes are blurring

Before the funeral:

Me- I absolutely will not cry before the ceremony. I have to play the piano and I need to see the music to do that. "Grandma, how did you sleep?"

Grandma - It.. I ... slept okay. It was off and on. But... but then I woke up this morning and... and... we've always played this game. Whoever wakes up first will reach over and touch the other one and say, "I touched you first today," and... I... reached over and touched his pillow before I realized that....well... he's not there anymore."

Me - Not cry? What kind of idiot comes up with a dumb plan like that?

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Joy in the morning

"The term is over: the holidays have begun. The dream is ended: this is the morning."
And as He spoke He no longer looked to them like a lion; but the things that began to happen after that were so great and beautiful that I cannot write them. And for us this is the end of all the stories, and we can most truly say that they all lived happily ever after. But for them it was only the beginning of the real story. All their life in this world and all their adventures in Narnia had only been the cover and the title page: now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story, which no one on earth has read: which goes on for ever: in which every chapter is better than the one before.
~ The Last Battle, C.S. Lewis

My joy for my grandpa is incredible.

Monday, November 30, 2009

jeep...SUV.... whatever

I am currently looking for a new automobile
And I have discovered that I know absolutely nothing about the things.

Zero. Zilch. Noodle.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

would you like some cheese with that whine?

I just read this online. This woman sounds like a real walk in the park. I hope the family enjoys their last Christmas without her being officially a part of it.

Dear Prudence,
Every year my fiance's family takes a portrait together and mails it out as their holiday card. His parents included their new son-in-law when their daughter got married. This is the first holiday since my fiance and I got engaged, and they have already commented on needing a bigger lens to fit everyone in this year. However, I have no interest in being in their picture this year or any year. They sign the card "The Smiths," but I have no plans to change my name and don't feel this last name would be mine. I plan to decline to be in the photo since I have always looked forward to having my own family and sending our own pictures to family and friends. How can I gently say to my husband's family, "Time to cut the umbilical cord" and let your children start their own holiday family traditions? The thought of the upcoming family photo is making me sick and filling me with anger.
—Won't Say "Cheese"


Dear Won't,
It used to be said that when certain hunter-gatherer tribes were first exposed to photography, they believed that if a picture was taken of them, it would steal their soul. You're probably aware, however, that a photograph of you with your future in-laws will not forever capture your image and make it impossible for you to send a photograph of yourself for your own holiday card. Speaking of which, your fiance's family is going to conclude that you're quite the card when you tell them you're not going to be in their picture, you will never consider yourself to be part of the "Smith" family, and that you believe your future mother- and father-in-law are infantilizing their grown children. Everyone will be filled with seasonal joy that you'll be around for the holidays for the rest of their lives. There are two approaches you could take here. One would be to vent the rage you are feeling over your fiance's family wanting to include you in their tradition. That might solve everyone's long-term problem by making you a short-timer. (However, if your fiance hasn't figured out by now that you have some issues, he must have issues of his own.) Or you could spend some time figuring out why a gracious and inclusive gesture from your in-laws-to-be makes you act like a petulant baby and work on growing up yourself.
—Prudie


I wonder.... when the "Dear Abbys" write back this harshly, do the complainers actually listen?

Saturday, November 21, 2009

You want the beanie... you eat the cereal

I have discovered oatmeal. And I'm scared. Because I like it. And all I can think about is Calvin, cramming Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs down his throat in his haste to get enough box tops for a beanie with a propeller.... and that I use to think that his cereal sounded good.

I'm growing up.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

annd.... SQUIRREL!

I watched UP last night. You know, the newest Pixar movie. I cried like a baby. Multiple tears plus snot drippings. Ridiculous.

I know it's the music. I barely cried in "I Am Legend" when his dog died because the violins didn't start in time.

Monday, November 9, 2009

from the Preacher's kid

While sitting around the campfire, Nathan picked up a hot coal with tongs and said:

"Put this to your lips. It's Biblical."

Thursday, October 29, 2009

oh, THAT'S reassuring

Asa, coming in from the basement: "Uh... if the smoke alarm goes off, nothing's burning."

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Wild Things in Wonderland

In case you don't remember every single one of my past blogs, I was very excited about this movie.
Yes. Was. I'm sorry, KR... I didn't like it.

Do you remember watching Alice in Wonderland as a child? Did it bother you? That movie scared me when I was little.... the drowning doorknob, the way she tore up the house when she got big, the path-sweeping dog, the oysters who got eaten, the chaos of the mad hatter...the helter-skelter of it all just bothered me. Watching it with an adult brain just makes me think, "What were these people on?" Although the mad hatter cracks me up now("Mustard?! Oh yes!! Mustard!"). And by the way, they are making a real version of it. And guess who plays the Mad Hatter? Yeah, I know THAT was hard. Thanks, Mr. Depp. I'm going to have nightmares over your getup.

Anyway... Wild Things was kind of like that. Ten minutes into it and I was like, "This had better get a lot better." What exactly was the monster's problem? Why was he bashing through their houses? What happened to Bob and Terry? Why were they even brought into it? I got the whole "The wild things are representing the problems the boy is experiencing" drift, but besides that... nothing was really solved. Max left and I don't think the wild things were any better. There were some rather dark moments I wasn't expecting for a kids movie: the threat to eat Max, the chase through the woods, the arm/wing being torn off, the hiding place INSIDE the monster... weird.

But, that being said... I'll still be your friend if you like it.

P.S. The soundtrack, however, was moving.

Friday, October 16, 2009

In summary

This week, I sat in a classroom for 7-8 hours everyday, from Monday through Friday. But, for the first time ever, I am being paid WHILE sitting there. It's a pretty strange feeling.
I learned various things. Things like:

1) Stupid errors kill patients everyday
2) I am now scared out of my mind
3) Some people think they are allergic to their water pill because it makes them pee
4) If you figure out a way to go around the hospital's mistake-flagging-computer, they will hang you out to dry for the lawyers to bite your legs off
5) I am considering using slip knots to restrain my children
6) All hospital mannequins look like they died in a silent scream
7) Never rush into the MRI room with a fire extinguisher in your hand. The magnet will yank it away and it will rocket down the tunnel and probably kill the patient
8) Also, don't bring any guns to the hospital

Friday, October 2, 2009

AAUUGGHH!!

Thank you, God, for allowing me to pass the NCLEX!! Because I had absolutely nothing to do with it.

I cannot believe it. I am done with school... for real.

Um... now there is nothing between me and getting a real job. Yikes.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Here comes a flood...doo dum doo dum

Our pastor last Sunday: "Lord, thank you for the rain. Personally, I think we've had enough, but obviously You are the One who decides how much is enough."

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Dude! Whodamastah?

This may be immature to post. But... I know guys will appreciate it for the subject matter and girls will laugh at the contortions of this guy's face. His delight at making such an incredibly long burp is great.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

"Got a penny?"

Told to me by Anna:

Anna: Mom? While I'm ironing, can I watch a movie?
Mom: Sure.
Anna: Cinderella Man?
Mom: No, watch something light.
... ... ...
Mom: I know! Let's watch a Band of Brothers segment!

I don't know. The lightness in Band of Brothers can be overwhelming sometimes.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Eat your heart out sartorialist

This is my favorite guy get-up. Seriously. Asa thinks I'm making fun. But I'm not. I really like the way it looks.


Saturday, September 5, 2009

hip hip hooray

Another conversation. I'm sorry if you're getting annoyed with them.

Jeff: What is it that happens in October?
Me: My birthday!!
Jeff: No. Not that. Ummmm....?
Me and Anna: Mom's birthday?
Alisa: Mom and Dad's anniversary?
Jeff: No. That's not it.
Me: Tiffany's baby?
Alisa: Ginny's anniversary?
Jeff: Oh yeah! Deer season! That's it!

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

May I laugh now?


Ryan: "OW!"
Me, turning around: "What happened?"
Ryan: "I thought you were looking at me, so I ran into the door to make you laugh. But then, I turned around and you were watching Caleb."

Friday, August 28, 2009

munch munch

I took my grandparents to the doctor's office yesterday. We stopped and picked up sandwiches and drove to their house to eat them. This was a portion of our conversation:

Pepaw: I have to get mine checked... it's a... a.... um....
Me: Blood pressure?
Pepaw: Naw.... a... it's a .... well dang. I forgot.
Me: I have no idea.
Pepaw: Your daddy has one. He gets it checked every month...um...
Me: My daddy? Every month?
Memaw walks over from the phone.
Pepaw: What's that thing called? I get it checked every month on the radio?
Me: Radio?
Memaw: Your pacemaker.
Pepaw: Yeah! Pacemaker. Anyway, I get it checked every month with a radio over the phone. It's a new way. Your grandpa has to go into the doctor every month.
Me: Oh! Grandpa, not daddy!
Pepaw: Yeah. No.
Mewaw: We just have to hook it up to the phone and they can check it... every six months.
Me: Every six months?
Memaw: Yeah.
Pepaw: Yeah. Oh.... I said every month didn't I?
Memaw: Yes. Every month.
Pepaw: Anyway, your Grandpa, he has to go in every month but I only have to go in every six months.

Thees hos been a gude convehsation.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Most people call him Whitt

I am sitting in my room hoping that a 3 year old will go to sleep. We're going on two hours here. But Mom invited other moms to a lunch in our house and me, Asa, and Anna have been banned to the our rooms in the basement. One of the women brought her child. Who always takes a nap after lunch. Always barring today, of course.

"I have to go pee-pee."
"No, you just went."
"Well, then I have to go poo-poo."
"No you don't, babe. Go to sleep."

So, we are listening to Adventures in Odyssey. I'd forgotten how much I love them.

"Amy, I had an accident."
"On my bed?! In your pull-ups?!"
"No. Once, beside my bed and I fell down."

Connie, Whit, Barth and Rodney Rathbone, Eugene, Blackguard.... many, many childhood car rides were shortened by this company.

"Can I have a Barbie?"
"No, I don't think we have them anymore."
"I played with them the last time I was here."

I've caught my 21, 19, and 17 year old brothers listening to them before. Amazing how they engage 3 year olds and adults.

"Amy?"
"Yes?"
"I really like your fan. And your laptop."
"Thank you."
"I am going to tell you a story."

I have to go. Connie is teaching Eugene how to ask Katrina out.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

When Kathryn G. visits

"If I was a bad person, I think I would steal babies."
I would be an arsonist.

"If I were a retarded person... I mean, you know, special... I would do origami."
I would throw paint on sheets.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

BBC is too good at character portrayal

Willoughby is a scoundrel of scoundrels. I hate him. And Lucy Steele makes me twitch. Mrs. John Dashwood I would gladly poison and Eleanor's strength makes me cry.

Monday, August 10, 2009

post script

It's my 160th post. Ta-daaa!!

Oh yeah. I have a BSN in nursing now, which means I am through with nursing school. I don't think it's really hit me, yet.

I say this not to preach, but because I forget it all of the time: All glory to God... because I still don't know what a nurse is supposed to do in most situations. But, go ahead... ask me for medical advice.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

If I had two garage doors....

... and neighbors to see them, I would do this.


Tuesday, August 4, 2009

We are currently 384,000 years in debt


If you want to watch the ticking numbers of our country's national debt, go here.

My parents subscribe to WORLD magazine and there was an explanation of the number one trillion. I mean, we hear it used all of the time... but I didn't realize how big this number was until I read this.

Let's say these numbers were seconds and we are rewinding back in time.

1 million = 12 days ago
1 billion = 30 years ago

1 trillion = 30,000 B.C.

Monday, July 27, 2009

14 days

I know. I know. I have been neglectful.

But, bear with me as I (hopefully) wind down my school years. I shouldn't even be doing this.

I promise, I'll be back.

Friday, July 17, 2009

i can still smell it

MRSA + HIV + C. Diff = Do not touch me until I have scrubbed with a Brillo pad

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Dear precious family,

I am so homesick I can barely stand it.

I miss people singing at the top of their lungs, huge, garden dinners, picking blueberries, and tripping over Jack. I miss Dad kissing Mom in the kitchen as we all pretend not to watch. I miss sharing my bedroom with my little sister, my opinion being asked by my brothers, and seeing Alisa and Jeff on Sundays. I've missed knowing my way around in the kitchen and talking with Mom. I miss Dad coming up the stairs in the evening, home for the night.

I cannot wait to see you all tomorrow.

Love, Amy

Friday, July 10, 2009

He's not a thriller


Can I just say that I really don't care HOW Michael Jackson died?
I mean, why is it such a "big" news story that he was possibly, maybe, kind of addicted to who knows what? Anyone surprised over this needs to pull their head out the sand.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Roger that

While struggling to find something in the fire-hazard closet under the steps which actually ended up being in my own closet (which was where is was supposed to be):

Ryan, coming into the basement - Caleb? Are you on a mission?
... ...
Ryan - Caleb? Are you?
Caleb - MEOOOOW!!! PPFFFFFFTTTTTT!!! HIYAAAAH!!
Ryan - Were you on a mission?
Caleb - Yeah. I was scaring the cat.
Ryan - No! A mission on the playstation!!

Friday, June 26, 2009

ahahahaha! I mean... oh, how cute.

Two baby names I have learned while at the hospital:

"Sheahmiracle" - Yes. She is.

"Abcde" - Pronounced abb-si-dee.

And I am not kidding.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Camp learnage

Late, I know.

1) Being immune is not a sufficient zombie plan
2) Girls should be allowed to plan the food list. Guys tend to forget things like salt, butter, and flour.
3) However they do bring blow torches and Glocks.
4) Oreos are good in oatmeal. I'm dead serious.
5) It is uncool to bring your electric guitar and ask everybody who walks by to jam with you
6) I am a snob when it comes to people at public access lakes.
7) Julie didn't know what marijuana smells like. Now she does.
8) Do NOT bring your small, ratty, yippy dogs into the bathroom with you. Or worse, into the stall with you.
9) Charbroiled foods cause prostate cancer. Which means I CAN eat them. Sorry, boys.
10) Babies hiking their sagging, bloated diapers up after swimming makes me laugh
11) "Go big or go home?" You moron. The water is five feet deep. You are standing a good 12 feet above it. If you're going to go big and go home DEAD, just let us leave first.
12) A stopped up drain in a camping shower = bath in about five minutes
13) The "hiking trails" are very short. Like, the map says it's a nice "two-minute" walk to the look-out point. I don't know.... I just don't think I have enough energy for that.
14) Nate doesn't keep duct tape in his truck.
15) Stupid rotted-out firetower steps
16) Family reunions: You walk beside an empty parking lot to the bathroom. You come out of the bathroom to a full parking lot, barbeque being cooked, and footballs and frisbees going everywhere
17) Jim, the common temperature pattern is this: Increase during the day, decrease at night.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Your trees are starting to wilt

Man. And you thought I was a fan of The Chronicles of Narnia. I wonder what Aslan will be doing when she gets old? Limping? And Susan and Lucy will be trying their darndest to hold on to his sagging back. Ugh. Gross.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

exit... exit.... EXIT!!


To my precious little sister,

I just peeked at your blog. I've been up since 3:30 this morning. Yes. I'm going on 21+ hours here. Anyway, I forgot you had the song Jumprope as your background music... let's just say that Erin has speakers attached to her apple and the volume was all the way up.

I'm still trying to swallow my heart back down to where it's supposed to be. 

Sunday, June 7, 2009

maybe the microwave?

Last night, there were 6 beautifully created home-made pizzas waiting for the oven to heat up. But it did not. The oven decided to not heat up. And suddenly, everyone was really really hungry. My mom was sitting on the floor watching the non-working appliance. "It's not gonna do it," she said. "It's not going to get hot enough." Five minutes later she said it again. "Okay," I said. "We can handle this. Let's load them up, and take them to our neighbors oven and offer to share them."
"No, Amy! I'm not going to load all of these things up."
"Mom... they are ready to be cooked. They have to be cooked."
"Well, I'm not going to carry them somewhere."
"Okay...well... we could go outside and build a really hot fire and cook them over that." (I said I was hungry, okay?)
Mom just gave the "Are you really my offspring?" look.
"Well... fine!"

Dad called and was told the devastating news.
Dad- "Well, just take them over to somebody's house."
Ryan - "Amy suggested that already."
Dad - "Okay then... how about a fire outside?"
Ryan - "Uh.... already be said. That would be a no."
Dad - "Well fine."

Mom got two "well fines" and no more suggestions and figured out how to use the little bit of temperature the oven was producing, along with the warming drawer to cook the pizzas. Saved. Dibs to her.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Thank you seems so inadequate

Sixty-five years ago today, my great-uncle flung himself off a boat into the water to escape the shrapel mowing down the soldiers packed inside. He jumped too early and nearly drowned. He slogged to shore, found another gun, and gradually made his way further in and behind cover. He was then yanked to his feet by a commanding officer and ordered behind a machine gun, where the average lifespan was anywhere from 30 seconds to 3 minutes. He manned it for 5 hours. And I don't know anymore of the story, you see, because he started crying. He looked at Ryan and said, "You're bringing up a lot of bad memories, son."

I can not grasp anything that horrible. Something so vivid, that 65 years later, it could still make me cry.

Friday, June 5, 2009

According to my research...

Definition of a brazen hussy: A woman who waves at males at Wal-Mart, follows them down the road, into a gas station, and asks them for their phone number

I am so disgusted with this fallopian-tubed individual.

Friday, May 29, 2009

makes sense

While attempting a duet:

Me- "Okay. This doesn't sound right."
Anna- "That's because I'm playing the wrong notes."

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Cut it out

A married friend (actually, the mother of the 2 and a half year old from the previous post) sent me this. These men have hit gold.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Never underestimate their vocabulary

While drying off the two and a half year old:

"No. No, buddy. Don't play with... Hang on, I'm gonna put your pull-up on. No, don't play with your... bottom. No... okay, step in. Dude, stop. Stop playing with... with..."
"My penuhs?"

Don't laugh. Whatever you do, don't laugh.

"Yes." That.

I'm not squeamish... I just don't want to be the babysitter accused of teaching correct anatomical terminology. Unknown to me, this guy already knew it.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

yummy

Today, a friend accidentally called her milkshake a milkshit.

Our resulting laughter was rather uproarious.

Friday, May 15, 2009

kill me. just kill me now.

When Laurie Finn Thallion gets a bath:

Thursday, May 14, 2009

beach list

Things that I and other people learned while at the beach:

1) A 6 hour drive CAN be turned into a 12 hour drive.
2) There is a difference in Misses and Women in a clothing store
3) Vinegar and meat tenderizer supposedly correct a jellyfish sting
4) My family is competitive. Like, for bocce, we make a court on the sand and use a tape measure
5) There is such a thing as organic bananas
6) The bagels you buy at Wal-Mart? Yeah... those aren't REAL bagels.
7) If you are a crab and you are reading this, pray my brothers don't ever catch you
8) A whirling vortex in a round, above ground pool, created by 10 adult bodies is strong enough to slam one of said bodies into the filter and break it
9) Men should NOT wear speedos... I mean, I already knew this, but just in case YOU did not
10) My calm sister and brother-in-law turn into little kids in the water
11) I cannot figure out the purpose of a walrus
12) I react violently to anything touching my legs in the ocean
13) If you are going to put on sunscreen, make sure it is evenly applied, Mr. Splotchy
14) I am capable of getting carsick

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

I want to be where the wild things are

I am above and beyond excited about this.

I turned it into a link so you can watch it full screen and HD. Because it's amazing.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Mine That Bird

Oh yeah. Watch this. I've been told that they have tested for drugs and nothing was found. I hope they don't find anything. What a great story!

slightly pothered

Just finished Till We Have Faces by C.S. Lewis. The man was a writing fiend. Great, you're thinking. Another tribute to The Chronicles of Narnia. No, I SAID Till We Have Faces! Sheesh. Anyways.... I'm not really sure if I liked it. I mean, I devoured the book. Mr. Lewis's grip on the English language combined with his story telling abilities make any fiction work of his superb. But, the ending baffled me. It was just...bang. Over. All of the queen's muddled problems understood and resolved in the last few pages. I was kind of left gasping and a little confused as to what it was she exactly understood.

I learned two new words, though:
Chary: characterized by great caution and wariness
Pother: make upset or troubled

I think my favorite sentence in the whole book was the description of the god's voice:
"It was unmoved and sweet; like a bird singing on the branch above a hanged man."

Monday, May 11, 2009

tell me if you know

Do you ever wonder where these came from? And if you haven't... live a little and be curious.

to take forty winks
to hit the hay
to hit the sack
to saw logs
time is of the essence
to bury the hatchet
to stick one's neck out
to cry over spilt milk
to be in a pickle (or pretty pickle)
other fish to fry
right up one's alley
easy as rolling off a log
keeping one's eyes peeled
not worth a hill of beans
to let the cat out of the bag
in the nick of time
to kick the bucket
to have cold feet
to take with a grain of salt
to mind one's p's and q's
to cross your t's and dot your i's
to fly off the handle
dead as a doornail
to face the music
to read the riot act
chip off the old block
to be the spittin' image
to pass the buck
the whole kit and caboodle
to go scot free
straight from the horse's mouth
to keep one's finger's crossed
to pull the wool over one's eyes
to bring the house down
to beat around the bush
to spill the beans
to rain cats and dogs

Dibs to Logan for his love of language.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

i want to live on P.E.I.

I am in Florida, watching Anne of Green Gables with my sunburned sister, brothers and two cousins and Mom. The majority of the viewers are male. They are just as enthralled with it as I am. The people chosen to play the characters of Anne, Gilbert, Matthew, Rachel, and Marilla are amazing. This movie and Patriot are the only movies I can think of that make me cry every single time I watch them.

And my aunt is Italian. I won't even tell you what she feeds us, because then you would be unhappy.

And the best beach moment so far:
An old, extremely tanned man in an extreme, red SPEEDO (AUUGH!) was near our spot. We were slathering sunscreen on each other's back (and the boys are still burned) and he stood up and walked over. Oh no. Oh no oh no oh no oh no.
"Excuse me... would one of you mind putting some on my back?"
... ... ...
Ryan was behind Mr. Baywatch wannabe. He just turned and walked off. Asa was the closest. His body, from the waist up, went backwards about 35 degrees.

Crickets. Almost audible.

Caleb. Oh, how I love him. He laughed, took the man's sunscreen and talked to the man while he put it on him. The man (Sidenote: MEN should never, ever wear speedos) thanked him and walked off. Caleb looked at me. "I really, really hope he wasn't gay." I looked at Asa. "What?!" he asked. "I don't even like puttingt on RYAN'S back!"

Sunday, May 3, 2009

$10 bucks I'm studying

I need a wardrobe to walk through. You know, just a 30 year break to rule over centaurs, fauns, and dwarfs as queen.

I want to skip across a field and to accidentally get my best friend drunk on strawberry cordial. Or for Gilbert Blythe to tell me he's sorry.

I would like a tour of Petronius's villa, while Vinicius is visiting.

I wish the Borrowers lived in my walls. I would talk to Arrietty. Even though Pod and Homily might not like it.

I want to listen in on the Council of Elrond.

Two more tests... two more tests... and only one more semester. Thank you, God.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

love and thanks

No sleep.

Pass or fail.

I need a break.

Drama in the group.

Six tests in seven days.

Nine different evalution forms.

Unrecognized flu strain on campus.

And a legion of people praying for me.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009




This sounds really, really applicable right now. And I can't make it fit on my page. Get over it.

Monday, April 27, 2009

call before you come

My brother left this on my phone a few weeks ago. I forgot about it... until now, obviously. We were all gone and he was home alone, preparing to go somewhere with some friends for the weekend. He called me and I didn't hear my phone.

Ryan - "I'm a free man! I fed the chickens. I fed the dog. I fixed my breakfast. I cleaned the kitchen. All in my boxers. I'm a free man. Oh yeah."

Friday, April 24, 2009

a point for Screwtape

I just kicked a hole in the wall in anger.

I have never in my life done that before... and I don't think I'll ever do it again.

Because I feel like such a fool right now. It felt so good to kick it.... for about 7 seconds. Then it just stared at me, a jagged, gaping mouth in our once smooth wall, proof that I had really done such a childish thing. I couldn't fix it, we don't have any of the stuff. And yeah, I can try to apologize for the disrespectful words that came out of my mouth, but I still said them. They still hurt you. I still destroyed the peace of the evening. So, in the morning, I've got to look at that stupid hole again ... a reminder of what a wretched sinner I am.... and why I need Jesus so very, very much.

Monday, April 20, 2009

for all have fallen short

Love does not keep an account.

I know it doesn't because God is love. But I do. Again and again I do. "Oh yeah?! Well, remember THIS?!"
Our pastor, last night, in breaking down one of the verses from the love chapter shared this insight. If God, with a very detailed record of everything we've ever said and done and everything we will say and do, placed those records at the foot of the cross and allowed His one and only Son's blood to cover them, then how can I walk up to the cross, get their account book, wipe His blood off of it, and wave it in their face? And yet leave my own book untouched? God has forgive them just like He has forgiven me. I really don't have a choice in the matter.

Monday, April 13, 2009

I've heard it's a hard language

Today, I had to spend the day with a school nurse. Two Hispanic children came in, the little boy with huge Bambi eyes, the slightly older girl, holding his arm.

Nurse: What's wrong?
Boy's eyes only get bigger
Nurse: "Are you okay?"
Girl: "She's sick. She's says she doesn't feel good."
Other woman in office (OWIO): "HE, honey. HE's a boy. Say HE."
Girl: "Yes."
Boy sits down and nurse takes his temperature
Nurse: " You don't have a temperature. Can you tell me how you feel? Does anything hurt?"
Huge tears are rolling down his cheeks
Girl: "She said she wasn't sick at her house."
OWIO and nurse: "HE. This is a HE."
Nurse: "Will you ask him in Spanish what's wrong?"
Girl speaks quietly to boy and he responds
Girl: "She says she is sick."
Nurse: "Ask him where it hurts?"
More quiet murmuring
Girl: " She says it isn't here." (tapping her head)
Nurse, sighing: "Honey... are you tired of school? Do you want to go home?"
Boy nods
Girl: "She didn't feel this way at her home."

They were so precious. The little translator, botching the pronouns, yet closer to mastering two languages than I am... and her ward, eyelashes brushing his eyebrows, completely oblivious that he was being called a girl, homesick.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

and a tall, knotted stick in my hall

For lunch I: Washed an apple, tore off a some homemade bread, and sliced from a block of cheese.
Afterwards, I half expected to find that my above-ground, glass, deck door had been changed into a red, round, wood one, tucked into a earthen knoll.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

silently, of course

I learned there are two songs you can sing while doing chest compressions in an emergency situation.

This one (and the jacket half-on and half-off is so cool).

Or "Another One Bites the Dust" by Queen. I didn't want to watch any of their videos.

The polarity of the songs cracks me up.

he's on a roll

While on the deck in the gloriousness that was yesterday's weather:

Asa: "Sshhh! Do you hear that?!"
Me: "What?"
.... ..... ....
Asa: "Hear it?"
Me: "Wow! The creek is really loud! We must have got more rain that I realized. It sounds so pretty."
Asa: "No. That noise. Right there. Hear it? ... ... It sounds like a tank."
Me: "A tank."
Asa: "Yeah, you can hear the treads."
Me: "There's a tank in our woods?"
Asa: "NO, Amy. It just sounds like there is."


Maybe we should dig a really really deep cellar.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

of course we totally don't keep anything

My Dad and brothers mow a cemetary. They have to clean off the graves periodically. I mean, it just starts to look bad when the fake flowers mildew, the real ones rot, the balloons wilt, the vases fall over and crack, wires rust... etc. etc. etc. A lot of stuff is thrown away.

Alisa: "Oh! I saw these vases at Wal-Mart! They were only 97 cents!"
Asa: "You can get them for free at the cemetary."

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

No love lost

Happy half birthday to me. Not April Fool's.

On this special occasion I would like to burn down my school. No, don't worry. I won't really. But my classmates and I are being run over, chewed up, spit out, starved, beaten, and ridiculed. Literally. How did this program get such a high rating?
Conversation between a teacher and a friend:
Friend: "Okay. I know I got it wrong. But why? Why is my answer incorrect?"
Teacher:"Well... that's just the right one. Now, sometimes, your answer would be correct. But not this time."
One quick question: aren't lectures and assigned readings supposed to represent test material? Also, please don't pull test questions from the old tests of a class that doesn't even exist anymore. That would be kind of helpful. Kind AND helpful. No, no, no.... I understand. As the teacher, you are not obligated to give us any guidance, extra information, or mercy, nor do you have to justify your late replies.

Wow. I cannot wait to get this evaluation form.
"Yes, excuse me. I'm going to need several sheets of paper, thank you."
"This isn't an essay, Amy."
"Oh, it's gonna be. It's gonna be."

Another thing I look forward to getting: one of those annoying alumni cards that request your money to support your alma mater. I'm gonna put a bullet hole through that sucker and send it right back.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

tears and peace

I want to burn this Med-Surg. book. I despise red pens and yellow highlighters. Free evenings with my family are never. I am weary of doing what I should do instead of what I want to do. Wondering why I decided to go to this school, worried now that I won't make it. Questioning where my future husband is. Wanting to leave home, yet aching to stay. Sick of fighting a thorn in my side. Knowing I am in this pickle because I was a fool who refused to listen. Trying to love, yet failing regularly. Desiring someone else's lifestyle, unsatisfied with my own. Locked into books and papers and deadlines and grades when every shade of green is bursting from the ground and the sky gets bluer (it's a word now) by the day.

And today I heard this:
"Either God is not faithful.... or this is HIS plan."

You choose. Because I already have.

Monday, March 23, 2009

soft and quilted, please

"Mom, we're out of milk."
"Okay. I'm going to the store later this week. You'll survive."

"Mom, this is the last loaf of bread."
"Goodness! I just bought some! Well, I'm not going into town until Wednesday, so I'll get it then."

"Hey! MOMMMM! Who ate all the bananas?!"
"Everybody likes them, you know that. Eat a carrot."

"The dog food is gone, Mom."
"He'll survive on table scraps until we go to the store."

"Mom, we're out of toilet paper."
"..... ...... ......"
"Mom?"
"I'll get the keys."

Sunday, March 22, 2009

delightful noise

My family is home. After a week by myself of not having to check-in via telephone, not setting a constant example, not cleaning a huge messy kitchen, not obeying house rules, and listening to MY music .... they have returned. Two minutes after getting home, Caleb kicked a soccer ball through the basement door and accidentally straight into Asa's....um.....well, lower body.

I'm so glad I don't live alone. I missed them so.

P.S. Asa bought me a t-shirt.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

70 and older

Have you ever played Catch Phrase with old people? You should.

SHREK : "Oh! Oh! Oh! It swims in the water and scares people!"

YOGI BEAR: "Okay...okay... you can eat it, and it lives in a park and carries a picnic basket."
Later - "Eat it?! You can't eat Yogi!"
"No, but you do eat yogurt."
Of course. I was totally with you on that line of reasoning.

PICK UP STICKS - (mumbled) "Pick up sticks.....hmmmm."

RICE - "Mexicans eat this a lot!"

I was crying with laughter.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Amy's Bedtime Routine... according to Alisa

If you tell Amy to go to bed, she will. But then she'll remember that she's thirsty. So she'll go upstairs to get some water. Seeing the sink will make her think of dripping faucets..... so she'll check every water apparatus in the house. Even the ones outside. Coming back in the house will make her wonder if all the possible entrances are secure. So she'll check the doors and windows... even those above people's beds. Then, feeling safe, she'll lay back down. But the nightlight (that her sister insisted on having), burning brightly, will cause her to think of the electricity that could be wasted should a spare bulb be burning unnecessarily. So she'll get back up and roam the house, searching for any lights or appliances that might be left on. As she goes back to bed, Jack will bark outside and Amy will remember that he needs to be sleeping in the basement. So she rises. Again. And lets the dog into the house. She starts to get back in the bed but realizes her hands are dirty. She goes to the bathroom and washes them. Seeing her chapstick on the counter makes her think of her dry lips and she applies it generously. Finally refreshed and at peace, she sinks back into her pillow. As the chapstick refreshes her lips, she begins to realize that her throat is still dry and that she's still thirsty. So she'll go upstairs.....

Saturday, March 14, 2009

come and get........... oh. never mind. it's gone.

If you have never had my Mom's sourdough bread, hot from the oven... I am very sorry for you. I think I will go eat some more, actually.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Brad who?



I think I was born a couple of decades too late. I am not obsessed, infatuated, or lustful. I just think they were good-looking men. Very very good-looking.


Five o'clock shadow... coming up!



Mr. Built-for-a-Tux



Sir Cool, Always and Forever
- seriously, did he ever play any kind of comedic role?




Connery= Smashing.... even old.... even in a kilt and old.


Best when sweating



The hat is perfect.




Made tap dancing look like the way to win the ladies


Mr. Practically Perfect in Every Way - in my mind at least


Wednesday, March 11, 2009

No, YOU are the one not "cut out" for this

Professors/faculty who discourage and demean students, who are uncompassionate, unmerciful, and do not respond to urgent emails or phone calls for four days should be shot. Why, yes, I think you should have to "justify" your delayed response. I know I am "just" a student, but the students pay your salary. Oh... and I would suggest purchasing some kind of exercise equipment with that money. You really should lose some weight before teaching any more classes about the troubles of obesity.
I would really love to give a speech at graduation about this program. Because it's not what everybody thinks it is.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Her get-ready-process just got more complicated

After a speaker phone discussion with the parents:

Anna: You aren't going to come with us to the conference, are you?
Me: Well, Anna... it looks that way. It's just that y'all would have more fun if you could go earlier and I have class. I mean, waiting for me would cut the vacation time out completely.
Anna: Can't you just skip?
Me: Not that much of it. I'm sorry. I really really want to go. Really, I do.
Anna: Siiiiiiiiiigh
Me: Oh. How sweet. She's going to miss me. She wants me to go.
Anna: Well, I guess that means I need to buy another straightener. 'Cause you'll keep yours and I won't have one.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

another baby post

Today in clinicals, I picked a patient I thought would result in a lot of involvement. I was wrong. Procedures got canceled, and everything returned to normal. Just meds and vital signs. I was bored. So I walked into the room where the patients don't have much family attention (to put it as delicately as possible)... and this little man stared up at me from his bouncer. He had a good four ounces of thick spit-up covering his chest and crusting happily in his little neck creases. He wasn't screaming or even fussing. He was merely watching the activity around him with infant curiousity. I peeled the soggy garment off of him and only when the cooler air hit did he squirm his protest. Three warm washcloths, a dry shirt, a new blanket, and a rocking chair later, he was still absorbed in quiet attentiveness. He took in the newness of my shirt and stethoscope, my hair, and face. I would talk and his eyes twinkled with pleasure. They really and truly did.

And school was pleasant for a few hours.

Thanks, Jim

Don't look this guy up in anything else. His language is worse than Dane Cook's. This is great, though. And so true.... which is the foundation of all comedians. Real life, explained ironically.


Saturday, February 21, 2009

Cravings... the Y chromosome will never understand

Today, before post conference, I raided the freezer in the hospital that is designated to the children. Chocolate ice cream. I headed for the door.... wait a minute. I wanted... no, I needed something else.
Cabinets and drawers. Open and close. Open, pause, close. Nope. Nope. Definitely not.

Oh yeah. Smuckers Peanut Butter in the little Cracker Barrel packages.

I sat down and dug in with my plastic spoon.
Blair looked at me. "Chocolate ice cream and peanut butter? What are you, pregnant?"

Friday, February 20, 2009

good night

Today my phone didn't ring once.

It was.... actually.... pretty fabulous.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Either stoned or an amazing actor

Is this for real?

How did he go from this to this?

I still cannot decide if he's acting or not. Basing it off of his offense at the laughter and at David's befuddlement, I don't think so. But.... I can't decide.

The full interview was taken off of youtube by CBS. This is a clip of the most awkward moments. You decide.

When i get that degree...

I am going to start piano lessons back. I miss them. I want to learn the theory I never learned and pick-up Debussy, Chopin, Rachmaninov, and Mozart. Yes, even Mozart, though I still harbor ugly thoughts of him.

I have friends who are still taking lessons and they mention the headache of practice and the joy of performing it completely and the rush to memorize.... and I want those feelings again. So badly! I never thought I would miss them, but I do! I sit down now and try to play them only to find that my touch has drained. I refuse to let it go. I worked too hard to get it.

Thus... I have decided I need lessons. I need a teacher. I need someone who will say, "You HAVE to get this done by this date." Because it's someone expecting me to do it that will make me do it. It's a lack of self-discipline, I know, but it's the truth.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

raw scrapings

You know those people who get on your every last nerve... and then you find out you had even more nerves than you knew? And that THAT person was the one who made you realize it? Yeah? I know a girl like that.

Everything that a female can do that shames me, she does. Everything that is supposed to be mysterious about women, she brazenly airs. All that should be pure and gentle and quiet she turns to brassy, cracked mud. She is a fool in public and shouts "I don't care!" She is dramatic and extremely giggly. Her hands wave in huge arcs, her body contorts, and her legs kick, trying to gain more people's attention as she talks, which she does constantly and loudly. Interrupting is her hobby and listening is not. She brags of her weekend escapades, which usually involve a new boy, little clothing, and some kind of ...liquid? But those memories aren't very clear so she really isn't very sure! Everything she has said or done is supposed to be the funniest thing you've ever heard of in your life. I stopped participating in the obligatory laughter. I can do it once or twice, mind you, just not every minute. Am I supposed to be impressed that you can talk like a black person? Black people do it all the time and it doesn't impress me. Your sense of humor irritates me. Just stop talking. That's all I ask.

I vented all of this to my Mom that evening. She looked at me and said, "And yet, she has a soul that will never die, just like you."

Hoover Dam. Sometimes, I enjoy sinful thoughts a little too much. The heir to the kingdom was airing her own foolishness, arrogance, and selfishness.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

you know this already

I've been closely observing daily motherly duties recently:

You all know I cannot wait to be a mother. I CANNOT wait. I mean... obviously, I have to, but I'm really really really looking forward to it. I mean, REALLY. Okay, you get the picture.

But I get worried every now and then. Can I make it? Can I do it? Will I be able to teach and clean and cook and feed and encourage and love and support and sacrifice and cook and clean and bandage and discipline and submit and clothe and love? And feed? And clean? And be a hostess? And live abundantly?

As I watch my Mom, day in and day out, get up, do school, clean the house, wash the never ending Everest of clothing, come up with another meal plan, attend her duties at our church, take us to events, give up what she wants.... I get scared. I have come to realize recently that I am not nearly as compassionate and unselfish as I (very arrogantly) once believed. Am I prepared? Am I preparing myself? Do I really want this? I will have to give up pretty much all of my wants and my expectations to meet those of a husband and children. Suddenly, I realize why women screeched so loudly that they were sick of this and that THEY could hold down a job just as well as HE could! Bringing home the bacon couldn't be any harder than this! Hire a nanny and get me out of here!!
So, sometimes I..... I..... sshhhh, don't tell anyone. Sometimes, I... hate the Proverbs 31 woman. Hate her.

She works willingly always. Her lamp doesn't go out at night (yet, she has children... when did that occur?). Her husband praises her always. She makes clothing for everyone and their mothers. She probably had amazing hair too. Why did God put this in the Bible? To make it completely unattainable?

And yet... even though I know that I will have many many days of burned dinners, screaming toddlers, an upset husband, a disgusting house, and hardly any clean clothes, and that I will possibly never hold a candle to Ms. Proverbs.... I want to do it. I want to help a man raise many children to bear the image of God. I want him to go to work and come home to a full house. I want to stay home to teach and hold them. Just like my parents have. Because, to quote a college advisor, I "don't think there's a more noble goal than that."

Saturday, January 24, 2009

and FAIL

Got a minute? Because I am so glad these people had cameras with or on them.

1) Mom always knows what to do

2) Just jump in. That's the only way you can correct this

3) I hope you have a better day

4) erk... you're squeezing too tight, kid

5) Crawling shows humility

6) That's where it used to be

7) Thank your mom for a diaper-rash-free bottom

8) Airbags save lives

9) Just don't drive, okay?

10) Extreme flash flooding

11) Step lively!

Friday, January 23, 2009

To my car singing buddy

Erin this is for you. Not because I feel obligated.... but because I want to. And because a comment from you on the phone made my day.

me- "Hey, Erin, I was wondering if I could have that recipe for RCC?"
Erin - "Sure!"
me - "Hooray! Are you sure? I mean, I know it's a (convert to Amrin* voice) very very precious recipe to your family? You sure that I can have it?"
Erin - "Well, girl, (picking up the Amrin* cue like a well-trained actress), it is very very precious to me but you are very very precious to me as well, so it is mighty fine with me if you take it."

Sigh. Thanks friend. I love you.

* The Amrin voice is an accent in which Erin and Amy are fluent. We speak it around other people, but always always around each other. I cannot explain it any better than that. I'll perform if for you if you ask me.

Monday, January 19, 2009

He knows the plans He has for us

So, Mr. Obama. Are you scared? I would be scared. Did you see the cracks in the dam when you decided to run for this position?

You couldn't pay me enough to stand where you're going to be standing tomorrow. But I do know this: God put you there. So whatever you decide, whatever happens to this "great" nation, has already been planned and documented by Him. And knowing that: I have been, I am, and I will be praying for you, because apparently, you are what we need right now.

Friday, January 16, 2009

You look smashing in that broccoli and chicken

Oh yeah.

Sunday night, Emily came up to go to church with us. She sat next to me. Three things were said:

1) While talking about donations to a family who had lost their home to a fire:
One lady - "The woman wears a size 18."
Tiny elderly woman behind us - "Wow."
Emily coughed and I bit my lip.

2) Pastor - "What can we get for the man to wear? ...... Maybe a casserole?"
Ah. We were now giggling.

3) Man - "Oh, I have a praise report. My friend got hit in the eye with a branch..."
In all honesty, he continued his report, but he paused too long after "branch."
All three of these things were said within about 1.5 minutes. I glanced at Emily, eyes twinkling through my laughter tears and she had pulled her sweater up over the lower half of her face. It's so fun to laugh when you can't do it out loud.

Blue coldness

This morning, while I was in lab, my brother sent me two messages. He was working at a construction site. The bathrooms are port-a-potties. Or port-a-johns. Or whatever else you want to call those disgusting, blue closets. He was cleaning up the site alone and it was maybe 20 degrees.
1st message:
"Auuuuggghhh! (this was incredibly high-ptiched) Why did I have to use the bathroom, now? Dude! The water's frozen! (Cue Southern hick accent) I'm out here on thah john. It's thah only place to get service. My pee ain't even meltin' thah ice! It's COLD out here. I'm gonna have to go stick my white little fanny up against a farr when I git done. It's cold. Real cold. And lonely. So lonely. I'm so lonely. (Normal voice) Well! I hope you're having a good day. Bye."

2nd message:
"Amy! Go spit on something. Outside. (I guess he was afraid I would start spitting all over my lab equipment) Give it 5 seconds and it freezes. If it doesn't... you spit on the wrong thing."

I was laughing out loud in my car. I called him and he said the first message was right after he sat down. Which is why he screamed. The second message was after a second trip to the bathroom. Suddenly curious, he spit on it (I'm telling you, use these things only if your bladder is about to explode; because they are crawling with germs from EVERY human entry hole) and stood amazed as it froze.

Monday, January 12, 2009

If I were you, I would stay 25 feet back

A Cabela's catalog came today. It basically goes like this: ammunition, ammunition, bullets, ammunition, crossbow, revolvers, holsters, ammunition and bullets, machetes, javolins, targets, and bullets. I flipped through it and started thinking, "Why am I looking at this?" And then.... I found this. It's got a water magazine to practice with, and... get this... a trigger-activated LED. In case, you know, your attacker is standing perfectly still and you have time to take careful aim. I would totally get the pink one just so the thug would laugh at me before clutching his eye sockets.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Moonlight crunching under my feet

Well, before my posts become a monologue on the wretchedness of this semester, I thought I would let you know that I had a good break. It was nearly a whole month and I didn't work at all. I mean, I cleaned, and folded clothes, and baked, and set table after table after table, and performed pianist duties, and opened presents, went shopping, watched movies, and many much good food.
Personal highlights:

1) Haircut: This is my treat to myself after finishing a semester. It's a tradition. I know you should cut your hair every 6-8 weeks, but 16 never hurt me. I love people messing with my hair. And this girl totally knew what she was doing. It took her f-o-r-e-v-e-r. Oh yeah.

2) Reading Chronicles of Narnia (you knew I would work them in here somewhere!)

3) Nertz. You know, when you play with more than 8 people, it would be sooo easy to cheat. Not that I would EVER do that.

4) Bathing my little cousin. It has been so long since I've got to bathe a little one. I love it. And if you take that and taint it with any kind of perversion, you can just leave this blog and never come back.
5) My aunt and uncle looking at old baby pictures:
Aunt - "Honey?! Is that you?!"
Uncle - "That baby has a bow."

6) Learning that my uncle's brother was on USA's Olympic soccer team in 1984, but was nearly killed in a car crash and didn't get to play. Also, my uncle's uncles got in a fist fight with the Monkees after making fun of how short the lead singer was. I'm guessing he's the one with the tambourine. Calm down there, buddy.

7) While caroling with the church, Elizabeth quotes:
- "Shout out trick or treat. I dare you."
- "We're not leaving until they repent. "Just as I Am" one more time!"
- "Biii-cycle! Biii-cycle! I want to ride my bicycle!"

8) Ryan trying to get attention.


video

9)Balderdash, Scattergories, Apples to Apples, and Mad Gab.

10) Fishing with Dad.

11) Eliora, unimpressed with the chickens, asking where our cows and pigs were.

12) Seeing Santa Claus sitting at the bar at California Pizza Kitchen... okay, not really a highlight, but kind of funny. Rough day, Mr. Jolly?


13) Some really really thick mud.

And Ryan realizing that his truck does have its limits.

















14) Moccassin boots. I know you're sick of hearing about them. But they rock my socks.

15) When I grow up I want to be paparazzi










I feel like some words should go here. But I don't have anything to say. Sorry.









I'm still drawing a blank. Just use your imagination.


























The layout of this blog is rather confusing. It looked good when I typed it up, then it changed to this, with too much empty space. But I'm not really going to worry about it. I'm sorry if it bothers you.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Oh no... this doesn't make me jealous in the slightest.

For the couples who are getting married in the next year or so... oh heck, I'll just name them ALL. All sixteen of them.

1) Rachel and Robert
2) Adam and Emily
3)Candace and Justin
4) Renee and Jonathan
5) Jaime and Patrick
6) Andrew and Laura
7) Brittany and Forrest
8) Molly and Daniel
9) Lindsey and Phillip
10)Chase and Allison
11) Megan and Stuart
12) Suz and Joe
13) Heather and Michael
14) Ben and Hillery
15) Evan and Laura
16) Luke and Savannah

Good grief. Well, whatever you do... learn how to avoid the doghouse, guys. And I don't think jewelry gets you out everytime.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Crystal shards all over Times Square

Happy New Year! I'm going to bed.

And there is one spare roll of toilet paper in this house. Yikes.

P.S. What is the big deal about The Ball Drop? I mean, really? It takes a full minute to come down. I remember the first time I watched it.... I was fully expecting it to plummet to the platform and shatter into fireworks or something. How much cooler would that be?