Wednesday, April 30, 2008

no comment

My WWII calendar just informed me: Adolf Hitler commited suicide in his bunker 63 years ago today.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Showersheba

Phone conversation:
Amy: You know, I bet Bathsheba was beautiful; just to catch a king's eye like that.
Mike: Um, Amy? She was taking a bath on her roof. Of course she caught his eye.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

sickness of the tougher, dominant sex

My Dad is sick. And I feel very sorry for him.... but it's freaking hilarious. I will quote him from 2 minutes ago: " Well, I have been vomiting for the last 48 hours and having diarrhea for the last 46." I mean... he's not counting or anything. And 20 minutes ago: "Man! I feel terrible." And 24 minutes ago, " I am so tired of throwing up." And 32 minutes ago, "Well, I guess I'll go to bed for 4 or 5 hours and then be up the rest of the night." We know Dad. You are sick. Don't misunderstand me... we are taking care of him, we are sympathetic, we are loving. But I have to keep fummling (haha! or muffling, whichever spelling you prefer!) the desire to laugh out loud. And the man will NOT stay in his room. There are seven healthy people in this house and we would really like to keep it that way. I just disinfected every surface possible and now he's leaning on the bar again. And using a different bathroom. One word. Q-U-A-R-A-N-T-I-N-E.

He skipped church today.... we came home this evening and I heard Mom say, "Dennis? Why is the bologna out?"
And he goes, "I thought I would try to eat some."
Dad, if Sprite and saltine crackers go straight through.... I really don't want to hear what bologna does.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

The moronic cycle

The phases of a sunburn:

1. Stupidity - I don't feel like putting on sunscreen
2. Stupidity cont. - 10:00-3:30 are okay hours... right?
3. Delusional - I'm a little pink but it will be gone in the morning.
4. Epiphany - Oh. My. Gosh. I look like a lobster who jumped in a vat of boiling strawberry jam.
5. Denial - I didn't know I was burning! It isn't my fault!
6. Guilt - Poor little skin cells. They didn't get to live their full life
7. Sales rep - For Aloe Vera
8. Murderer - You touch me one more time and I swear...
9. Return of pajamas - because they were almost completely absent for a few nights
10. Itchy - Think Baloo off of Jungle Book
11. Reptilian - Whoa! That was a big piece!
12. Admiration - Nice tan. Hey, thanks.
13. Amnesiac - It's so nice today. I think I'll go outside without sunscreen.

Who Knew?

For your future knowledge, Balderdash/Malarkey game nights, impress the boy/girl moments, and so on and so forth:

Jello, if hooked up to an EEG registers movements virtually identical to the brain waves of a healthy adult.
The Hershey's Kiss got its name from the puckering sound made by the manufactoring equipment as chocolate was dropped onto the conveyor belt.
Wedding cake was originally thrown at the bride and groom.
While his wife spent long hours posing for the figure, the model for the face of the Statue of Liberty was Charlotte Bartholdi, mother of the French sculptor Frederic-Auguste Bartholdi, who designed it.
Marcel Bich was read to take the sales success of his disposable ballpoint pen on to the international market. Originally named after himself, he realized that the Americans would pronounce it bitch, he smartly dropped the H and called it Bic.
The name OZ was thought up by L. Frank Baum when he looked up at his filing cabinets and noticed one drawer marked A-G, another marked H-N, and the last marked O-Z.
The sight of oranges in the Godfather film signals death, or a close call, is about to happen.
Director Wes Craven named Freddy Krueger after a kid in school who bullied him.
Marilyn Monroe developed her signature walk by hacking off one heel of a shoe.
Al Gore and Tommy Lee Jones were college roommates.
A recording of a camel's moan was slowed down for the tornado sound in Twister.
Cats have 2 sets of vocal chords.
Bullwhips, when properly snapped, exceed speeds of 742 mph, thus breaking the sound barrier.
The original Volkswagon Beetle was commissioned by Adolph Hitler.
Kemo sabe means "white shirt" in Apache.
Podunk is in Massachusetts.
The smell of Crayons is so familiar and soothing it has been known to lower blood pressure.

Monday, April 14, 2008

I wish naked was an option

I have decided I want to kill myself. By DNA-damaging-UV-rays. In all seriousness. I was told dying in my bed in old age was a sissy way to die so I have selected skin cancer as my way to meet Davy Jones. And if you touch my back, I will bury you alive, burn you at the stake, and keep you on bread and water for 3 days.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

up and down

Things I have done over the last seven days:

1. Study study study study study
2. Slept an average of 4 hours a night
3. Managed to get two different tan lines with winter white in between on my neckline
4. Changed my birthday on facebook and got 31 birthday wishes
5. Failed a test
6. Broke down. Like sobbing-head-on-arm broke down. It was good. But it was interrupted.
7. Interruption was good though. My friend quoted a Dane Cook skit about women's breakdowns... and when I saw the pattern, I couldn't help but laugh
8. Saw Dave Barnes live
9. Ticked off a friend... but it's all good now.
10. Realized I enjoy clinicals
11. Had an excrutiatingly detailed conversation with someone. I mean, TMI.

What I'm about to do: Sleep forever. Oh heavenly day.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

would you please leave... pig killer?

Our pastor has been traveling through Luke recently and last Sunday he had reached the story of Legion, the demon possessed man. The story had always made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Especially the, " I am Legion, for we are many." Wow.
I was glad to see the story tackled. I think demons are ignored far too much. And as the soldiers of the Evil One, I really don't think they should be.
But something I had never thought of was mentioned. Remember how Jesus stepped out onto land and the man (or men according to Matthew) rushed down to meet him? I mean, Satan was totally setting up his move. He was sending down a legion of demons to meet Christ. And they barrel down and Jesus steps out and.... "What business do we have with each other, Jesus, Son of the Most High God? I beg You, do not torment me." He hasn't said a word and they are begging for mercy! Don't send us to the abyss! Send us to the swine! And He does it almost nonchalantly. Oh, okay. Go into the pigs. And they surge into the future breakfasts of the Garasenes and send them plummenting into the sea.

Here's the kicker. The townspeople, in fear, ask Him to leave. I don't really understand this kind of fear. If I had witnessed this I wouldn't be in much of a hurry to start bossing the guy around. But He leaves. He makes the now-sane man stay as a messenger but He leaves.

Wow. A legion of demons just begged for mercy from this carpenter and then hurriedly obeyed His command and the humans don't want anything to do with Him. How typical. How horrible. He created us and we want nothing to do with Him. We have seen the glory of the cross, the resurrection of the body, the life everlasting... and are stilled annoyed by His presence. "Yeah, I'm glad for the crazy man and all. I'm glad that I can walk through the graveyard without being attacked.... but dang it! I was looking forward to my bacon and that man just put all our pigs in the sea. Who does he think he is?"
Oh, he's just Joseph's son. Just a carpenter. He only lived a perfect life and died a repulsive death because He wanted me to be with Him in Heaven. That's all. Big deal.