Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Lord willing

I have never had so many emotional breakdowns in a 7 week span as I have had in the last 7 weeks. Or, specifically, since I started something called nursing school. And suddenly, it all seems so petty.

There's a girl at our church who I've only recently got to know. I don't know why it's only now.... but it is. She is wonderful. I love how she treats my little sister, my brothers, me and Alisa, strangers, her elders... Once you start talking to her you cannot NOT like her. She's 19 and has so much ahead of her. She stayed home from school this semester because she's been having some physical problems and nobody seemed to know what was going on. Until yesterday. She and her Mom went to a neurologist and he said that all of her symptoms point to MS.

Multiple sclerosis. Not much is know about what causes it. Not much is known about a cure. She's 19. I cried. How could I not? My recent headache was a test score.... and my friend is looking at a future that involves possibly a wheelchair and paralysis. I started thinking about what I want to do with my life. I want to have a husband to serve and love. I want to be cherished by him. I want to know the explosive joy of holding a baby: the joy that causes you to forget the pain of childbirth. A crippling disease is not a part of my plan. But that's where we mess up. We plan out our lives forgetting we really don't have any say so in the process. God molded us into the vessels we are today. And can we cry "unfair!" when one of us is used to carry water to the dogs, while the other sits at a king's table? But it's so easy for me to sit here and preach when SHE is the one affected. How would I function? Would I curse God? I thought of Luke 7:23. John the Baptist is in prison and he sends two of his disciples to Jesus with the question: Are you the one who is to come or shall we look for another? Basically, um, I'm in prison and are you going to do anything about it? And Jesus responded with this: " Go and tell John what you have seen and heard: the blind receive their sight, the lame walk, lepers are cleansed, and the deaf hear, the dead are raised up, the poor have good news preached to them. And blessed is the one who is not offended by me." And Jesus left his cousin in prison to be killed. Why? I don't know. And I cannot be offended. If I truly believe that God is sovereign, I cannot take bits and pieces of His story and try to rewrite them just so I can understand them. He's God! I will never understand. And the sooner I get that through this thick head of mine, the sooner I will help in the furthering of the kingdom. I don't know if furthering is a word or not, but it is now.

I believe everything I just wrote. I believe He is sovereign. Yet I can't type my thoughts out correctly. I don't understand. I'm trying not to be offended but I am. This isn't fair! Why would You do this to her? God, let the doctor be wrong! Make her body like new. You did it for my mother, do it for Xan. Please. Don't make her live her life in a wheelchair. Dear God, please take it away.

4 comments:

Lil. Bit said...

We will certainly keep her in our prayers!
Bethany

elliebird said...

What happened to your mother?

I've heard about Xan. I'll be praying. I'm so sorry.

Amy said...

Mom had non-Hodgkins lymphona about 16 years ago (cancer of the lymph nodes). She found out she was pregnant with Asa at the time and continuing chemo would have killed the baby so she stopped. Under normal conditions, without chemo, cancer grows. Mom's just disappeared. And we haven't seen it since.

Dodger of Sheep said...

I thought it was really cool that your parents named Asa that because it meant "healer".