Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Lord willing

I have never had so many emotional breakdowns in a 7 week span as I have had in the last 7 weeks. Or, specifically, since I started something called nursing school. And suddenly, it all seems so petty.

There's a girl at our church who I've only recently got to know. I don't know why it's only now.... but it is. She is wonderful. I love how she treats my little sister, my brothers, me and Alisa, strangers, her elders... Once you start talking to her you cannot NOT like her. She's 19 and has so much ahead of her. She stayed home from school this semester because she's been having some physical problems and nobody seemed to know what was going on. Until yesterday. She and her Mom went to a neurologist and he said that all of her symptoms point to MS.

Multiple sclerosis. Not much is know about what causes it. Not much is known about a cure. She's 19. I cried. How could I not? My recent headache was a test score.... and my friend is looking at a future that involves possibly a wheelchair and paralysis. I started thinking about what I want to do with my life. I want to have a husband to serve and love. I want to be cherished by him. I want to know the explosive joy of holding a baby: the joy that causes you to forget the pain of childbirth. A crippling disease is not a part of my plan. But that's where we mess up. We plan out our lives forgetting we really don't have any say so in the process. God molded us into the vessels we are today. And can we cry "unfair!" when one of us is used to carry water to the dogs, while the other sits at a king's table? But it's so easy for me to sit here and preach when SHE is the one affected. How would I function? Would I curse God? I thought of Luke 7:23. John the Baptist is in prison and he sends two of his disciples to Jesus with the question: Are you the one who is to come or shall we look for another? Basically, um, I'm in prison and are you going to do anything about it? And Jesus responded with this: " Go and tell John what you have seen and heard: the blind receive their sight, the lame walk, lepers are cleansed, and the deaf hear, the dead are raised up, the poor have good news preached to them. And blessed is the one who is not offended by me." And Jesus left his cousin in prison to be killed. Why? I don't know. And I cannot be offended. If I truly believe that God is sovereign, I cannot take bits and pieces of His story and try to rewrite them just so I can understand them. He's God! I will never understand. And the sooner I get that through this thick head of mine, the sooner I will help in the furthering of the kingdom. I don't know if furthering is a word or not, but it is now.

I believe everything I just wrote. I believe He is sovereign. Yet I can't type my thoughts out correctly. I don't understand. I'm trying not to be offended but I am. This isn't fair! Why would You do this to her? God, let the doctor be wrong! Make her body like new. You did it for my mother, do it for Xan. Please. Don't make her live her life in a wheelchair. Dear God, please take it away.

Monday, February 25, 2008

If you listen, you can hear the tramp of tiny feet

Just curious.... if a ladybug is supposedly good luck, what does this mean? Ignore the dust. Every morning i wake up to find that several deaths occurred on my windowsill over the night. Then there are one or two of these in the process of drowning in the sink/bathtub. There are six new beetle corpses on the cold tile. And there are 53 ( i just counted ) in my overhead light. Does the luck continue if they are dead? Is this a bad omen? I mean, it's not like I'm killing them.... they are all just dying simutaneously.
Ladybug Committee:
"The list for tonight is as follows: The Reverend Collins and family
The blacksmith Phillip
The baker James and his 2 daughters
The entire Wallace clan
.... to all of you, we thank you for this sacrifice. Go with God."
P.S. I admit it. I did kill two the other day. But they were mating and I was NOT going to let them make any more.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Some witty title

Yesterday me, Aunt Ronda, Mom, Grandma and Anna went shopping. Specifically to find clothes for the wedding, but, considering we were all females: if something popped up on a hanger that would NOT work for the wedding, we couldn't just leave it. Which is how I came to be the owner of an amazing dress.'s one of those dresses that makes you suddenly thankful for the curves that had you nearly cursing in the last dressing room. A dress that made me wish I went to a larger church with more boys. How stupid. I made myself type that out because I was thinking that and I wanted to make myself read it. How ridiculous, Amy. How completely, utterly and inconceivably ridiculous. Too many adverbs?

On a totally different subject, here is a letter that John Quincy Adams wrote to his father when he was 10:

Dear Sir,
I love to receive letters very well, much better than I love to write them. I make but a poor figure at composition; my head is much too fickle. My thoughts are running after birds' eggs, play, and trifles, till I get vexed with myself. I have but just entered the third volume of Smollett, though I had designed to have got half through it by this time. I have determined this week to be more diligent, as Mr. Thaxter will be absent at court and I cannot pursue my other studies. I have set myself a stint, and determine to read the third volume half out. If I can but keep my resolution I will write again at the end of the week, and give a better account of myself. I wish, sir, you would give me some instructions with regard to my time, and advise me how to proportion my studies and my play, in writing, and I will keep them by me and endeavor to follow them. I am, dear sir, with a present determination of growing better,
John Quincy Adams
P.S. Sir, if you will be so good as to favor me with a blank book, I will transcribe the most remarkable occurrences I meet with in my reading, which will serve to fix them upon
my mind.

Yeah. Ten freaking years old.

P.S. He was homeschooled, by the way.

Friday, February 15, 2008

everything but a honey-do

i really really like lists. i shall now prove it to you.

4 very worldy things i would own if money wasn't an issue:
1. a jeep wrangler without a top
2. an island (hey, i said if money wasn't an issue)
3. a grand piano
4. a snow machine

3 places i really want to go
1. New Zealand
2. Italy
3. Panama City, FL

3 things i could eat right now
1. Mellow Mushroom Pizza
2. Mellow Mushroom Pizza
3. Mellow Mushroom Pizza ... they just got shut down and now it's all i want.

6 qualities I expect/would love to have (you decide) in my husband
1. Spiritual Leadership: if i'm going to pledge my life to you and promise to obey and submit, you'd better know what you're doing
2. Doesn't mind physical labor: i think physical activity is one of the ways you glorify God the best. Don't get me wrong, you look amazing in a tie. But when there's dirt on your legs and sweat running down your face... it's just very very attractive and I'll leave it at that.
3. Conversation skills (with strangers): work the crowds! hold your own! please don't stay with me through the whole event.
4. I won't hold it against you if you are musically inclined (as longs as it is NOT the trumpet)
5. Morning hair: don't comb it. you look adorable
6. Loves children: cheesy i know, but i don't mean holding a baby occasionally and saying " i love kids." i want to see children coming to you. I want to see you offer to hold crying babies so the mom can take a break. I want you to have two plates in a dinner line: one for you and one for the kid standing beside you.

3 things that blow my mind
1. the thought of being pregnant: i mean... there is a HUMAN growing
inside of you!
2. that i am 1.5 years away from textbookless evenings
3. that one single glance from me causes God to burn with passion (it's
in Song of Solomon)

5 irrelevent truths
1. I burn my mouth all the time: hot chocolate, hot tea, coffee, pizza, soup... ALL the time. i just don't have the patience to wait
2. I know more oldies songs than "current" songs
3. The way i look some mornings... i know everybody says they look bad at this time of the day, but seriously? soft mattress + soft pillow + warm blanket + sweet dreams = monster? that doesn't make sense.
4. I would love to get in a fist fight with someone, without my conscious saying "Now Amy, you really shouldn't."
5. I have never had a date. Ever.

This is getting ridiculous. Happy Day-After-Valentine's Day.
And I was totally lying about Panama City.

Friday, February 8, 2008

oh yeah

another thing..... why does God let us (girls) notice boys? Especially when He has absolutely no thought of letting anything happen? Why? I mean, I know He wants me to draw even closer to Him; that He wants me to make Him the lover of my life.... but, wouldn't it have been so much easier if He had just killed all hormones, all lover-like thoughts, all crushes, all flirtatious moves and words, and then one day, BAM!! He would awaken all of it when THE person stepped into your life. Bulbs and bolsters! What a totally undistracting and wholesome life (at least, in that area... i know Satan would still wreak havoc everywhere else) that would be! True friendships would be easier between men and women. I wouldn't have to struggle with guarding my mind, or protecting somebody else's heart, or building and then tearing down my imaginary dream castles. I don't even give them moats anymore since I know I'll just be filling them back up. Thus, I am fighting feelings of rebellion towards God's plan for me (because, as everyone knows, my plan is so much better than His). So, once again, I will fight the sin in my thoughts, refuse to overanalyze every conversation, stop listening for my cell phone to ring, stop counting how many days it has been since my cell phone has rang (face it, if he felt the same way you do, he would call more often), and love God with my heart, soul, and mind. And maybe one day, this will get easier.

Dear Lord ... i really want to be married

"It is Love which causes Earth to yearn for rain, when the parched ground, barren with drought, has need of moisture. It is Love which makes the Sacred Heaven, swollen with rain, sink into the lap of Earth. And when these twain are mingled, they beget and nourish all things."

-Euripides, comparing men and women to heaven and earth

Elisabeth Elliot put this in her book "Passion and Purity." I'm not sure if I'm glad she put it in there. Beautiful words, i know.... but very visual.

Monday, February 4, 2008

party hearty

Convo in the Porter suburban:

Dad: Did the corndogs make it to the Porter vehicle?
Somebody in the back: Yes
Dad: Could I have one please?
Mom: No
Dad: Why not?
Mom: Because we're going to wait until we get home to eat them. (ohhh... the complexity of mother logic)
Dad: You need to lighten up. You need to add some fun to your life. You need to eat a corndog in the car.
Mom: Ooohh. Is da wittle boy hungry?
Dad: (munching happily) Do you want one?
Mom: No thanks.
Dad: Stick in the mud.
Me: You know you're getting old when it's a party to eat a corndog in the car.
Dad: Hey! It's better than no party at all.

Friday, February 1, 2008

daughter of the King

Last night i had an evening away from home and hearth. And school. It was so nice. It was a friend's birthday and he had invited about 25 people in all to go out to eat. So, there we were, about 23 kids, ranging from ages 15-24, having a blast. It's a sweet feeling to hear " ____, party of 25" and walk down and take over a room. I'm sure people were wondering where our parents were.

It had been a while since i'd seen any of them. This particular group has become very precious to me and my brothers only in the past two and a half years. They have all grown up together at their church... but the way they have so whole-heartedly welcomed us, the outsiders, in makes my heart glow. I'm so very grateful. Grateful for their encouragement, their laughter, love, challenges, their phone calls, their example.... everything. And it made me think of something i had read not too long ago; i looked for the book to quote it directly but i could not find it. So, alas, in my own pitiful wording, i will attempt to relay it to you.
When the Israelites were making their great exodus from Egypt God gave them everything they needed, as they needed it. His orders were explicit: there was no need to gather manna for more than one day because HE would provide each morning. Bread from heaven. Bread of life. He wanted them to lean only on Him and to store up nothing. And they couldn't do it. They gathered extra. Or, they built that stupid calf because they thought He had abandoned them. Yeah God, the promised land looks amazing and the milk is flowing right along with the honey...but have you seen the size of those people? Are you crazy? And He punished them. 40 years seems like such a long time to us, but to God, who stretches from everlasting to everlasting, it was nothing. Here's the amazing thing (i have a point, i promise): He still let them go to the Promised Land. He didn't make them stay out there and always be completely dependent on Him for food and water and protection... He let them go into the land where He knew that grapes and garlic bread, foreign women and gods, and gold and jewels would constantly be pulling His children away from Him. Even though He is a jealous God. Isn't He good?! Instead of putting us in a desert where we would have to wait every morning for bread to come down or water to spout from a rock... He allows us to enjoy things: we have air conditioning and heat, nice cars, many different kinds of food, money to spend, friends to laugh with, and good times all around. How fickle am I... that I let myself be distracted by these "amazing" things. I'm not saying God wants me to never spend time with these people again. I know He put them in my life on purpose. I know He enjoys our joys. But I can be so consumed with fulfilling my wants and my needs that i forget my purpose for living. i forget my mission. How can I forget that I am heir to the Kingdom of Heaven? I do not know. But I am humbled and filled with awe that the King wants, that he aches for me to approach His throne.