Ryan, that's terrible

Caleb - I love it when people say, "That's terrible!" but they say it because they think it's hilarious.
Me - Mom does it. She says your name, then "that's terrible."
Caleb - It cracks me up.
Ryan - Yeah! Dad does it like, "OH! Ho ha ha! That's TERRible!"
Caleb - Uh-huh.
Me - Yeah.

Ryan - Like, when we kill dogs or something.

Who's in the doghouse?

Last night:

Ryan: Let's go squirrel hunting in the morning!"
Jeff: Yeah!!
Alisa: Hey! You've got to have Christmas with ME in the morning!
...
Jeff: Oh yeah. Dang. I forgot.

notes are blurring

Before the funeral:

Me- I absolutely will not cry before the ceremony. I have to play the piano and I need to see the music to do that. "Grandma, how did you sleep?"

Grandma - It.. I ... slept okay. It was off and on. But... but then I woke up this morning and... and... we've always played this game. Whoever wakes up first will reach over and touch the other one and say, "I touched you first today," and... I... reached over and touched his pillow before I realized that....well... he's not there anymore."

Me - Not cry? What kind of idiot comes up with a dumb plan like that?

Joy in the morning

"The term is over: the holidays have begun. The dream is ended: this is the morning."
And as He spoke He no longer looked to them like a lion; but the things that began to happen after that were so great and beautiful that I cannot write them. And for us this is the end of all the stories, and we can most truly say that they all lived happily ever after. But for them it was only the beginning of the real story. All their life in this world and all their adventures in Narnia had only been the cover and the title page: now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story, which no one on earth has read: which goes on for ever: in which every chapter is better than the one before.
~ The Last Battle, C.S. Lewis

My joy for my grandpa is incredible.

jeep...SUV.... whatever

I am currently looking for a new automobile
And I have discovered that I know absolutely nothing about the things.

Zero. Zilch. Noodle.

would you like some cheese with that whine?

I just read this online. This woman sounds like a real walk in the park. I hope the family enjoys their last Christmas without her being officially a part of it.

Dear Prudence,
Every year my fiance's family takes a portrait together and mails it out as their holiday card. His parents included their new son-in-law when their daughter got married. This is the first holiday since my fiance and I got engaged, and they have already commented on needing a bigger lens to fit everyone in this year. However, I have no interest in being in their picture this year or any year. They sign the card "The Smiths," but I have no plans to change my name and don't feel this last name would be mine. I plan to decline to be in the photo since I have always looked forward to having my own family and sending our own pictures to family and friends. How can I gently say to my husband's family, "Time to cut the umbilical cord" and let your children start their own holiday family traditions? The thought of the upcoming family photo is making me sick and filling me with anger.
—Won't Say "Cheese"

Dear Won't,
It used to be said that when certain hunter-gatherer tribes were first exposed to photography, they believed that if a picture was taken of them, it would steal their soul. You're probably aware, however, that a photograph of you with your future in-laws will not forever capture your image and make it impossible for you to send a photograph of yourself for your own holiday card. Speaking of which, your fiance's family is going to conclude that you're quite the card when you tell them you're not going to be in their picture, you will never consider yourself to be part of the "Smith" family, and that you believe your future mother- and father-in-law are infantilizing their grown children. Everyone will be filled with seasonal joy that you'll be around for the holidays for the rest of their lives. There are two approaches you could take here. One would be to vent the rage you are feeling over your fiance's family wanting to include you in their tradition. That might solve everyone's long-term problem by making you a short-timer. (However, if your fiance hasn't figured out by now that you have some issues, he must have issues of his own.) Or you could spend some time figuring out why a gracious and inclusive gesture from your in-laws-to-be makes you act like a petulant baby and work on growing up yourself.
—Prudie

I wonder.... when the "Dear Abbys" write back this harshly, do the complainers actually listen?

You want the beanie... you eat the cereal

I have discovered oatmeal. And I'm scared. Because I like it. And all I can think about is Calvin, cramming Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs down his throat in his haste to get enough box tops for a beanie with a propeller.... and that I use to think that his cereal sounded good.

I'm growing up.